Apparently, there's a memo or something going around informing people of the proper ways to behave when at a show. Since I haven't personally seen this memo, I will make my own based on my observations of the last few shows I've been to.

Here goes:


The Proper Way to Act at a Show

Do not move. At all. And stand directly in the middle of everything.You wouldn't want to allow space for people who are actually having fun by standing completely still somewhere out of the way. Like by the bar.

Get wicked pissed off if anyone touches you or your significant other. How dare they invade your personal space in this giant room cram-packed with people. Who the hell do they think they are? They need to get off your shit, pronto. The more times you can shove your hand in their face while making bitchy comments and rolling your eyes, the better.

Keep fixing you hair. When there's the sweat of 400+ people raining from the ceilings it's very important that your hair looks impeccable.

Don't show any amount of excitement. Seriously. That's what it takes to look cool. Keeping your arms crossed when you're not busy fixing your hair is helpful here.

Pretend to shoot yourself in the temple/under the chin/forehead/mouth. Do this multiple times. If you can roll your eyes again (hopefully your eye-rolling muscles are in good shape),this is a good time to do it.

If you're a big guy, be sure not to put on any deodorant before going out, that way, within the first half an hour, you can start to smell like skunks eating rotten chicken noodle soup. Better yet, avoid showering that day altogether.

Here's another one for big guys: You can make yourself seem SO much tougher when threatening to punch girls. The smaller the girl, the better.

Give people who look like they're enjoying themselves the dirtiest look you can muster. And, since you're such a miserable bastard, it should be really freakin' dirty.

Wedge yourself in the middle of everyone with 2 full cups of some vile drink from the bar. Drink one completely and then once you've tired of the second one (which should be about half-full at this point) drop it. Make sure to aim for the foot of the person standing nearest you.


And, most importantly:

Never, EVER look like you're having fun. You want to look so miserable that you actually suck the fun out of those around you. You obviously don't want to be there. That's why you paid $30 (or more) for your ticket.




Remember, you get bonus points for bopping the girl with purple hair in the nose! Apparently, it's an unavoidable obstacle. Or maybe it's a thrilling game of 'how-deviated-can-we-make-her-septum-before-she-gets-it-re-pierced'.